just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
