Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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