dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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