I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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