I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
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