I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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