i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
