I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize
