I think my vagina is haunted
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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