I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
You left your phone here
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