The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
