well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
