I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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