Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
