now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize