It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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