I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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