Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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