I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
