Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
