you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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