So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
