Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
