I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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