New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
