I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
