how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Dick very happy bro
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
