Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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