I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Why did my mother make you get naked?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
