my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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