Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
