There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
