Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
