The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
