You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
