she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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