the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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