theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
