I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
