conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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