Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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