We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
