Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
