Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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