Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
