Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
