Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
