Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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