dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
