I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
