Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Randomize
