You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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