No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
