My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
